1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
