party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
