6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
