in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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