I smell stomach acid.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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