My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
