Porn is love you can see.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
