Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
