theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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