I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
