I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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