You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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