No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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