What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
