community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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