I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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