sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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