I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
