i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
