My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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