I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
