I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
