i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
