Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
