just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
