just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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