I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
