new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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