Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
you made out with another girl for some wings
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
