If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
