i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
