The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
