Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
