I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
