Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
