It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
