Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
