Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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