I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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