I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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