How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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