someone threw a dead crab at me
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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