I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
