soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
