Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
