had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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