I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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