I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Still dying that you shit outside
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
