Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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