we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
