i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
