I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
