I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
